Painful Truths About Leaving Your 20s Nobody Warned You Were Coming
146: Do your best... Because Nobody is coming to save you.
It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. - E.E. Cummings
Time for a change. Sharing a leaderboard with big names such as Koe, Rubin, and Žižek. Yet calling a newsletter BOSS Letter is not something you want to do. Neither should you. The hustle culture of the last decade is long gone.
Unintuitive. Exactly what we are aiming for. Covering what might not be obvious or what goes against the instincts you have been taught. Expect a few more visual changes over the next month. Everything else? Stays the same.
What You Should Know While Growing Up… But You Do Not Know
What no one tells you while growing up is that things get harder. Since most of our readers are in their 20s, we feel obliged to expand on concepts most people are not even aware of. Those that will only become apparent as you get closer to your 30s. What is this all about? Painful truths. From what you can expect once you hit 27 to the realization that no one is coming to save you.
The truth YOU have to be aware of
You have spent your first 20 years in a bubble
If you are reading this, you have spent your first 20 years living in a bubble. Meaning that you have not had real-world exposure. Meaning that there is a good chance there will be a period of painful realizations in the next decade or so. What you need to understand is that your parents, teachers, and environment have been programming you. Meaning?
That everything you think you know might not be right. Or it is straight-up outdated and won’t get you far. The fix is simple and comes down to paying attention. Observe everything that is happening around you. Don’t be afraid to expose yourself to things you find interesting to get your perspective (and experience) with them. Doing this is by far the fastest way to get out of the bubble and understand how the world, system, game, or however you want to call it… Actually works. The more you learn from your personal experience, rather than what others tell you… The easier it will be for you. Because your parents raised you for a game that no longer exists.
The fastest way out of this is to expose yourself to how money actually works. You will have to show proficiency. Prove to others that you can do what is required of you. Bringing measurable results. That is when you start seeing how people and incentives actually work. It is something no one can explain to you and that can't be taught in a classroom. The second best option? Upgrade your environment.
The world is not fair
The world was never fair. It will never be fair. All of us have been dealt different cards. Some are better, and others are worse. A basic example is someone born in the United States vs. someone born in Africa. The Internet gave everyone an equal opportunity. But the differences are still massive.
What you should do is position yourself as best you can:
Stop blaming the system.
Start adapting to the game.
What you realize over time is that the game is largely bent toward hyper-optimistic individuals who are not afraid to put themselves out there.
Those two ideas are hard to internalize. Realize how lucky you are to be in the position you are in. The reality is that someone out there was dealt a much worse hand and would trade places with you in a second. This is an oversimplification of a complex topic. But something you will need to process to get the most. Learn how to be grateful and use that to your advantage. Because no one who constantly complains gets anywhere. The results are always the same. They just lead to frustrating, negative feedback loops and rob you of realizing that opportunities are right in front of you.
Instead of leading with a question: is this fair? What do you want to start with: am I in a better position than yesterday? The best part is that this reframe applies to all areas of your life. Health, wealth, relationships… The happier you are with your life situation, the less you will care about the unfairness.
Things you need to realize before reading further
You will not get anywhere blaming this system. The system is unfair and not properly set up. It is not on you to spend years trying to change it. But to focus on being in a better position than yesterday.
Realize that there is someone out there who was dealt a hand of much worse cards… To be more precise. Realize how lucky you are to be in the position you are in.
Pay attention to how the people around you perceive the world. If everyone around you is complaining about the same thing… it might be that you are adopting their reality.
The most intelligent one actually… Doesn’t win
It’s kind of fun to sit there and out think people who are way smarter than you are because you’ve trained yourself to be more objective and more multi-disciplinary. Furthermore, there is a lot of money in it, as I can testify from my own personal experience. - Charlie Munger
A common misconception is that you have to be intelligent to win. Maybe. Depending on what intelligence means to you. From our life experience? This idea is largely false. It is put out there to gatekeep people (or coping mechanisms) from doing what they are supposed to do. All it takes for you to change this and relate to us is to meet a few successful people and have a complete mindset shift. What you will find is that how they got there is primarily driven by high energy and execution. Not because they possess special abilities you do not or are hyper intellectuals. This is aimed specifically at our engineering (STEM) readers, who often think that intelligence is a prerequisite for success and use it as a defense against doing what they should.
Intelligence makes your life easier by helping you connect abstract points and form a bigger picture. Does that mean you have to be intelligent to succeed? Not really. It is also what most young people miss when wondering why less intelligent people live better. The reason is mostly that those who are less intelligent are more willing to take risks and expose themselves to uncertainty. While the intelligent ones have much more mental space to think. This results in them often talking themselves out of their situations and never acting on them. This sounds ridiculous until you sit down with a few brilliant people who have not done anything with themselves.
Never allow yourself to fall for the idea that you have to be intelligent to achieve something. Both when it comes to happiness and success. It helps. But it is not the main driver of how far you go. The world is full of dumb people (and less intelligent than you) who are considered successful by society’s standards.
Sales > everything in life (and everywhere)
Key points:
Learn to communicate and express yourself. This is a lifelong skill and an ultimate advantage over the next decade.
Most don't even know what sales means as a term. It is not about presenting something or trying to put yourself in the spotlight. It is about finding a medium between you and the other side, where both get something in return. Or at least you make it look that way.
Sales for you might mean: selling yourself, your ideas, getting what you want out of your situation, getting the other side to say yes. Everyone has a different definition of sales. Our idea still stays the same.
By the time you are hunting for your internship or first job, the power of sales should become obvious. You are selling yourself. Your knowledge. Your experience on the other side. Those who can sell get to places where those who can’t never do. This might sound like an oversimplification. But it is not. No idea what to do with your life? Start practicing how you communicate. How you express yourself and your ideas. Pay attention to how others perceive you. Learn how to sell yourself. It is something that carries over into every single area of your life. No idea where to start? Pick up Impro.
Want to take it even further?
Learn to make yourself memorable. There is no single approach to this. It doesn't mean you should do dumb things to stay memorable or do something you will regret for the rest of your life. It means paying attention to the small things that may seem meaningless to you. Yet they are not to the person across from you. These changes depend entirely on who you are dealing with and what their priorities are.
Start by finding out what the person in front of you believes and what matters most to them. An easy way to do this is to practice with your friends and watch their reactions. The key is not to do it in a performative way. You are actually paying attention and being genuine about it. Another approach is to actively acknowledge and work on what they are insecure about or trying to improve. That is what memorability comes down to, if you put everything else aside. You are not there to impress or manipulate them. You are there to enhance what they are already working toward.
Everyone is cheering for YOUR success
Until 25 you have a free pass. Whether you want to accept it or not. Teachers, parents, society, and your mentors. Everyone is giving you an opportunity you may not even be aware of. They have zero expectations or outcomes for what you are doing. Switching careers, diving deeper into specific areas, exploring something new or starting your own business is the easiest thing you can do during those years because there is no one to judge you.
If someone judges you for what you are doing or tells you that you are wrong. You should not care because you know that no matter how bad it gets. You have at least a decade to get serious and take control of your life. Once you are past your early 30s, you will no longer be able to experience that. Those who have not judged you before are now expecting results.
When you realize that no one is working against you and that people are actually helping you by not judging your decisions. Helping you figure out who you are and what you want… It all clicks.
Zero-sum thinking will destroy you
Most people have picked up from their environments the belief that someone else's success comes at their expense. The truth? The complete opposite. It is an outdated instinct at best when humans actually had to compete for food and territory. The reality is that if someone else gets rich selling something…
It has zero impact on you.
What will the average do? Act from a position of resentment. What should you do? Be genuinely excited. It is not easy. It takes a lot to rewire what you had in place from the early days and to reprogram yourself. This is one of those unwritten rules of life that, once you internalize it and make it part of your identity… Things will start to work in your favor.
To stop thinking in zero-sum:
Look at the whole picture. Ask yourself whether you would trade your entire life for theirs. 99% of cases the answer will be no.
Follow up with the question of why you are jealous or resentful?
If you fall into this 1%, you would trade your life for theirs. What you want to do is get close to them. Not only will it give you a new perspective on how they are doing things. It will also show you that with a bit of effort you could be in the same place.
Your 20s done right = set for life
Do your 20s right, and you build a safety net that makes it almost impossible to go back to zero. Big logo internship? You are pretty much set. Meet people who are on the same mission as you? There is always a connection you can rely on. Start your business and get some experience around it? Ultimate leverage. Understand that everyone is giving you a free pass without any expectations? Massive advantage. Never felt like a status-chasing game or keeping up with others on Instagram? You are already farther from the masses than you think.
When you combine all those factors. Where you do not need much, have unlimited energy, and everyone is ready to give you an opportunity, you realize that with a bit of effort and focused work. You are in a position to set yourself up so that you will never have to worry, because your foundation is so strong. That you would have to make multiple bad decisions to get back to zero.
Something for YOU to keep in mind.
Things you will not regret doing:
Building a transferable skillset
Communication, sales, and understanding (economics, operations, and logic) on how to run an online business.
Going on side quests and trying things early
Without experimenting, you will never know who you are… Forget about drugs, alcohol, and other vices.
Build your circle
You always want to know a guy who knows a guy.
Keeping your cost of living low. Lifestyle inflation is real. The luxury watch is nice until you realize that real assets will make you money while you sleep.
The idea is not to be a frugal individual. Just to have enough space to use that extra money you have for things that will give you ROI.
Taking your health seriously
Sleep. No garbage eating. At least gym 3x per week. It makes a huge difference in your clarity and how you perceive things.
Start building a reputation early on.
It will open all the doors for you if you have done this part right.
Start writing things down and plan where you want to go.
A pocket notebook and a pen should go with you everywhere.
Understand that the compound effect is everywhere. Both positive and negative. Showing up every day and putting in even a 50% effort means that things are already working in your favor.
Want a full breakdown? Read how not to waste your 20s
Painful realization that the sooner you understand… The better.
Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such. - Henry Miller
1. Wake-up phase
Once you see the truth. You cannot unsee it
The painful truths:
The system is designed to keep you in survival mode. Positioning you in a way where you are too busy covering bills, rents, and food. Distracting you from building something bigger.
You will never be paid enough in your career. This becomes painfully obvious the moment you start making money on your own.
Everything you consume daily is shaping your reality. Junk in… Junk out.
Lifestyle inflation is real and will destroy everything you have built if you do not manage it. Most never do…
Your next-door neighbor is not having a better life than you. He is just keeping up with the Joneses and will be an eternal victim of banks.
The moment you accept that you are an average, victim, or like anyone else, is the moment you have lost the game.
Sooner or later you recognize who your friends truly are. It might be the best thing ever or the most painful one.
Time and energy are the only things you can never buy back.
No one is coming to save you.
The financial system? Wont save you.
The government? Wont save you.
Your boss? Wont save you.
Other people around you? Wont save you…
Club 27 (year everything changes)
27 was by far the weirdest age of life. At the same time, we found it funny how many people could relate to us and share their experiences. Anyone past it knows exactly what we mean. The reason this age is so painful is that everything becomes apparent. Even if you have managed not to notice it for years. You have been too busy… Or simply managed to ignore it. That stops at 27. Because things become impossible to ignore.
Your future self becomes apparent. Everyone around you stops giving you free passes. Your career dictates your lifestyle, and you know the only way things will change is if you do something dramatic. The unlimited energy you used to have as a 22 year old? It is not as easy to access anymore, and you do not feel it every day. Everything you subconsciously knew was coming is finally there.
You don’t want to be the smartest one in the room
The difference between being the smartest in the room and being in a room where everyone else knows more… Massive one. This alone serves as great guidance that if you are the smartest in the room, you are doing something wrong. Limiting yourself in a way you know deep down that there is so much you will be able to get out of this situation and the people you are surrounded by.
The painful truth is that it is always better to be the stupidest in the right room. Over time, it will allow you to gather enough information and data to apply to your situation and use to your advantage. This is one of those counterintuitive things that might not make sense at first. But the older you get, the more sense it makes. If you are the smartest in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Your body is slowing down
Remember drinking all weekend just to be ready to give your 110% on Monday? Gone. Went a bit too hard at the gym and planning to hit it again the day after? Good luck. Working 10 hours with full focus? Maybe. The painful truth about getting older is that your energy decline becomes apparent. You know you cannot operate the same way you did years ago. You can feel it. This is also why sleep becomes a crucial factor and something you will start to prioritize. Want to feel full of energy? You better eat your protein and veggies.
If you play sports in your free time. It becomes even more apparent because you know you can't do the things you used to. Overall, how much more effort does it now require of you? Another realization is that all those boring things you used to skip… Massages, stretching, sleep, and proper diet. They all become necessary. Without exaggeration, the effort your body needs to perform at 30 is roughly 3x the effort it needs at 20.
2. What you learn about people
Your friends uncover who they are
By the end of your 20s, you should have a clear picture of who you are dealing with. A realistic outlook on your friends situation and an understanding of where they are headed. Painful truth? Most people around you will not succeed. Prioritizing lifestyles that are different from yours. Making choices that seem ridiculous to you at times. This is where you learn to step back and stop investing yourself in what they do with their lives.
The cold shower is realizing that all those days you used to spend planning how you would live your lives. All those talks about what to do to get where you want to go. Gone. There is no more fire in their eyes, and it has never been clearer that they are settling for mediocrity and comfort that they used to fight against. Painful truth. The lucky ones are those who will not find themselves in this situation. But instead be surrounded by a group of people who are in a better position each year than the previous one. Not many can say they are part of those groups.
Don’t waste your time arguing or trying to change opinions
Similar to the point above. The painful truth about growing up is that all the effort you used to put into discussing and arguing with people. Trying to change their mind. Opinions about the world. Or thought about a relevant topic… Waste of YOUR time, energy, effort, and in some cases, unnecessary stress. The chances that you will change someone's opinion because your argument is better are close to zero. Knowing that in the process you are better off wasting that time on things that will put you forward instead. Everyone reading this should understand that people are emotional. Not rational. Mostly driven by their egos. Once you argue with someone, for the most part, it feels like you are attacking their ego and who they are. Your time is better spent doing things that move you forward.
Everyone is out there looking for themselves
Except for your family members, closest friends, and romantic partners. You have to realize that everyone else out there is looking out for themselves. People will always find a way to prioritize themselves. A basic example everyone can relate to is that coworkers are not your friends. Most of them will be pleasant until it is time to get a promotion or a new client. Everyone who has gone through this knows there is an immediate shift in dynamics. Another basic example? High level of entitlement. Help someone achieve something big, and they will quickly forget about it because they will rationalize that they deserve it. The positive result is that it sets the right expectations from the start. Giving you an idea of which relationships will be transactional and which ones will be built on something deeper.
3. What changes you
Realization that time is passing… Fast
Mortality. The moment you start noticing you are getting older, and your gray hair starts to show. There is a big reality check. The next thing you will do is start to question yourself on whether what you are doing is right or if you are wasting your time. Maybe you are just following someone else's plan?
The more fun you have in your life → the better things go for you = the faster it will feel that time passes.
Just to end up with days that feel like hours. Knowing that deep down, you have zero control over it. Your only obligation is to spend them as best you can. Doing things you love and spending them with those who matter. Everything else is just an extra on top.
Your tolerance drops over time (people, things, activities…)
If you are wondering why you are no longer enjoying the beer behind the gas station the way you did 10 years ago. Or getting hammered on Friday night just to spend the whole day in bed on Saturday. It should be obvious. There is a subconscious process at work as you get older and more experienced. One where you realize you are not the same person you were years ago. Why do something you are not fully aligned with or not feeling?
This is where your self-respect, taste, and patience start to come into play. Your tolerance for things you don’t want to do drops to zero. Some say it is an age effect. Others say it is something that comes with experience. We can all conclude that the older you are, the less patience you will have. People, places, and situations you don't want to be in. Slowly realizing that you are not the same person you were. Why is that important? Because knowing this deep down and positioning yourself accordingly. Figuring out what you like, what gets you going, or what you find inspiring. Exposing yourself to circles like that and getting a clear overview of what it takes to be in one. It will make it easier for you to position your life accordingly in the long run. The only way to get what you want out of your life is to know what you want in the first place.
Career ceiling becomes visible
There is not a single person with a career who operates in a professional environment who has not known by their 30s whether what they are doing makes sense. That also means that if you have played your cards wrong. Not picking the right career or deciding to take it easy during your early 20s. You are in for the maximum pain. The reason it takes years to process this is that when you are young and start to make money… You can finally afford the things you couldn’t before. That is all good for the first few years until you realize that, at the same time, you are being underpaid and will never be able to do anything meaningful with your salary.
Trading your time for money without being able to increase that hourly rate unless you get promotions each year. Mix that up with lifestyle inflation, and you have a painful combination. The ones who get the most out of this are those who figure out how to (ab)use their employers while building something of their own on the side. Having a safety net and never worrying about covering monthly bills. All while playing the game (building something of your own) with unlimited upside.
Chasing the feeling of aliveness
To wrap up this post, we are going to share one secret that separates those who get more out of their lives from those who don’t. The reason this belongs in this post is that you either learn it by your 30s or you never will. It just has to click. It is also worth mentioning that it doesn't necessarily mean that it will not change as your priorities change. But the framework should be simple and to the point. We already covered a similar approach in our post on unconventional life advice.
Giving you a template for figuring out your ideal life. So what is this about? The way you will stay driven and sharp to the point where you enjoy your life situation is by figuring out what gets you going in the first place. What keeps you going? What makes you feel alive? Once you have answers to those questions. The next step is to incorporate those activities into your current lifestyle so that nothing gets deprioritized because of the others. Before you can do so… You have to figure out what makes you feel alive.
How to figure out what makes you feel alive:
Reflect on your moments when you felt most alive. What was actually in them? Activity, places, people? You want to write everything down.
The key to finding your answer is identifying what those activities have in common. Our advice here is to look past the surface and go a bit deeper… Your answer is there.
Once you have a pattern among all of them, you want to make it as specific as possible. There is a good chance that if you have 4 sports activities and all of them are outdoors. You actually love being outside, or maybe you love playing sports… Probably both.
Once you have a few of those takeaways, it is time to implement them and play around with them. The feeling of aliveness is arguably one of the hardest ones to replicate. But once you have a clear understanding of a few of those activities. Game changer.
Why is this on the list? It is a painful truth that your quality of life will be drastically reduced if you never figure these things out. Spending your whole life chasing the numbers in your bank account, watching them go up, and never developing a personality around something. Luckily, you are young and have enough time to do so… Enjoy your weekend.
Disclaimer: None of this is to be legal or financial advice of any kind.