Becoming Unapologetically YOU
117: Living in the full alignment with who you are.
Before we move on with today’s post. Once again… A quick shoutout to everyone who has supported our work over the past few weeks by printing out the Mindset Rewiring Workbook and tagging us on Twitter. Placing us back to the #1 spot. Thank you.
Welcome reader! Over the last couple of weeks, we got a lot of DMs asking questions about everything from choosing a college and a career path to love life. After a while, those questions make you start to rethink things. This often leads to the easy answer that most people around you are doing things to impress others, not because they want to do it for themselves.
This brings us… To the conclusion that the true happiness in life comes ONLY from being unapologetic. Now the question you should be asking yourself: are you true to yourself, or are you doing things because others told you it was the right thing to do?
Executive summary of this 25 minute post:
Do you know yourself? (things shaping you, factors and scenarios in which you want to operate)
Unapologetic you (what it takes to become who you want to become)
Becoming the real YOU (reminders and things you need to keep in mind)
Helping yourself find the answers (recommended material around this topic)
TLDR - What it takes
Recommended resources (some books, videos, and articles)
Keep in mind #1 this post contains three mental exercises that in order to get the most out of this read you will have to complete.
Keep in mind #2 this post is overwhelming. There is a lot.
Do You Know Yourself?
Something new, we have been playing around. Play in the background while reading for maximum experience.
When was the last time: You asked yourself who you are? Do you know what your belief system stands for? What do you believe in the first place? The goals you have? Are they your own, or have you let someone else influence your mind and set them for you? Always wanted to do something different, but your parents told you what you are doing right now is the right thing. Friends pushed you into something you didn't want to do in the first place, and it changed your life. When was the last time you took 30 minutes out of your day to reflect on all of this? Most people never did. After reading this intro part of the text you might be asking yourself does it even matter? It does more than most around you realize.
DO THIS RIGHT NOW (Exercise #1): If you have not done this in a long time (or ever before), we suggest you stop reading here and take 20 to 30 minutes to reflect on what you are doing right now. Your job, career, school, friends, and the content you consume. Everything that directly influences your life and how you spend your valuable time. Every aspect of your life carries a certain weight. Ask yourself, are you doing it because you want to, or because others told you it is the right thing to do? Give your head a space to wander and come up with a conclusion.
Back to the main topic.
The modern world: Who is to blame? Your parents, teachers, and friends? The internet? Social media? Your favorite guru? The modern world around you? Us? Or because you didn’t care about making those choices in the first place? Maybe you didn't see the big picture and how one decision could impact another. Everything is connected at the end of the day. Yet most never think about it. It could be a mix of internal factors (your thoughts, self-image…) and external influences (friends, family…) that played a massive role. It would be a lie to say that both aspects don’t have a massive impact on who you are. There is not a single person reading this who can't relate to the noise all around us. We are born into it. That is the best way to put it.
At the same time… It is in our nature to believe that others (especially those with more authority, such as teachers and parents) know better than we know. The problem? They are all operating under old-world rules. When you could not sit in your bedroom and make money from your laptop. Or be in a position to move to the other part of the world with a cheap flight and start all over. To the point of reinventing yourself. This is something we already covered in our old world post from last year. The game has changed, and those people whom you used to listen to growing up most likely never paid attention to it. Better said, they didn't know it themselves. There is no one to blame here, just something you want to keep in mind. Most of the things you have been taught since childhood are irrelevant.
Influences, factors, and things shaping you: We have already mentioned that who you are right now is influenced by both internal and external factors. Plus, most of the things those with authority taught you are irrelevant in today’s context. This is where things get deep. Not only deep, but also complicated. As a young person and someone who is not fully made yet. You don't know what you want, who you are, or even what you like. This means external influences can more easily influence your internal beliefs. It is a mix of limited life experience and a lack of confidence in yourself. Take a moment to reflect on your life. There is a good chance that you used to do MANY MORE things to impress (fit into their vision) others when you were young. Not just from the social aspect, but also to fit in with everyone else. Let’s go a level deeper? Do you remember when your parents said that choosing _____ was better than choosing _____ because of _____, and you still consider that normal? While others around you might find it ridiculous? That is the obvious example of what we are talking about. When an external factor had such a strong impact on your internal programming that you still believe it after all these years. The point should be clear.
Minimal life experience + limited knowing who you are = external influences have a much bigger impact on who you are
To provide you with an even more detailed overview of the difference between internal influences and external ones.
Internal influences (factors):
Lack of confidence
Lack of ability to see the bigger picture and what matters
Caring about what other people think of you
Lack of life experience that shapes your reality
Coping mechanisms and how you handle them (behavior)
Urge to please other people and their wishes
External influences (factors):
Parents (massive influence on your life and what mindset you will possess)
Social media and any other type of content you consume
The environment where you spend your time
Your social circle and friends
Any major life change, whether it is success or failure
How external validation destroys you: How do we define external validation? When you are unsure of who you are and what you bring to the table. You outsource your emotions to the others around you. It all comes down to validation. Better said, outside validation. When you are unsure who you are and what you can bring to the table. That is when you will start validating yourself through the externals. It gives you a false sense of belonging and acceptance that you are doing the right thing and are in the right place. You might wear the same clothes as everyone else, drive the same car as everyone else, and have the same taste in music as everyone else. It is our primal instinct and a deep urge to belong to a group. The problem? External validation will always leave you feeling like something is missing. Whether it is self-fulfillment, a goal, a mission, or knowing who you are in the first place. Everyone goes through an external validation phase at some point in their life. Better said, depending on how they are operating and where they are with their lives. There is a good chance of multiple external validation phases - think one during teenage years and another during midlife crisis. The solid metric to pay attention to is how many times you go through this phase in your life and how long it lasts. The less of them and the shorter they are, the better.
How does external validation destroy you, and what are the consequences? It limits you from knowing who you are in the first place. Better said, from getting to know yourself. Suppose you are constantly following the trends, what is popular right now, and what is not. How do you plan to develop your own taste when you have offloaded it to everyone around you? The external validation phase happens once things go wrong in one area of your life (losing a job, a lover, etc) and you are trying to signal to others that you are capable enough to be part of the herd (you are capable of bringing the same to the table as everyone else). Once you start digging deeper into it, it doesn't come as a surprise why this is the one-way street to misery. The lack of self-acceptance and understanding who you are is dangerous territory. Leading you to the path of minimal self-esteem because your whole outlook on life is around other people and what they think about whatever something is good or not. You end up ignoring yourself and who you are.
Consequences of falling victim to external validation:
You will not know who you are
You will not know what you like
You will always feel that you are not good enough (because it is not the things you wanted in the first place)
You will not have self-esteem because you have built it on what others around you consider success (or normal).
You now (Exercise #2): Considering you have done the exercises above and gotten answers. Or at least taken some time to think about where you are now and what you want from your life. It is time to reflect on what influences your internal and external games. Since we went over what covers internal and what covers external game. This should make things much easier and wrap up this intro part of the post. The next step is to try to separate everything you can (and are doing) in your life into internal and external. The goal here is to estimate how much of what you are operating on and moving toward is driven by your internal desires and how much by external ones. Keep in mind that when you do this for the first time. Don’t expect miracles. It is not an easy task. Quite the opposite. There is a good chance you will mix up what goes on the internal and external sides. To get the most out of this projection (exercises), you will likely have to do it a few times. Not taking into consideration how realistic you are with yourself.
Scenarios on which you should operate (Internal | External)
80:20 scenario: Before you say this is the place I want to be and operate from… That is not necessarily the case. It is the case if you know what you want out of every single area of your life (which is not something 98% of people around you can't say they do). Yet you can focus only on the relevant parts for your situation and get the most out of them. This is actually where most geniuses end up, and we know how they live… Miserable. If you stay in one category, you risk missing opportunities around you.
60:40 scenario: Sweet spot. What would we mean by that? That in comparison with 80:20, you still leave enough room to reprogram yourself and see things for what they are. Most will think that operating on full internal factors is a go-to. But that is not the case. It is when you are fully self-made and have everything you wanted that you can become so ignorant that you only see your own reality. Most are not there. Making 60:40 a healthier operating scenario.
40:60 scenario: This is where things get tough, and you need to start prioritizing yourself over what others are telling you, whether something is right or wrong. The ratio should never go below this. Otherwise, you risk being classified as an NPC. One way to start attacking this is by learning how to improve your focus and attention. The less time you spend on social media, the less chance you have to fall for the external validation trap (to an extent).
Our advice? Aim for a 60:40 balance because you still have that upper hand, and most actions and life choices are based on your internal system, while you are not too stubborn to listen to others who might know better than you. This doesn't mean you should get rid of your beliefs overnight. It means it will put you on the right track and make you think about whether you are doing it for yourself or because others have convinced you it is right. This should cover the intro part and help you get to know yourself. It encourages you to think about things you never did before and where you stand. Don't skip this intro part, as you might be surprised by what things you come up with and how the life you are living is purely based on the decisions of others and not yours. Something everyone should be scared of. What does it take to change your life around? Become unapologetic you.
Unapologetic You
Skip this part if you don’t want to go in depth and want ONLY practical advice.
What it takes to become unapologetic:
Getting comfortable with yourself.
Embracing who you are and what you stand for.
Learn to love yourself (major one).
Be unapologetically (positively) selfish.
Stop trying to please everyone.
Do you know what makes you happy?
Get comfortable with yourself: You know who you are. You know what you bring to the table. You know who you are yet to become. Does the rest matter? Not necessarily. You are in a position where you can achieve everything you have ever imagined and have complete control over your situation. That is the reason why you are comfortable with yourself in the first place. If you are not comfortable with yourself... You have the problem. It also means you have work to do to end up in a place where you know who you are. Plus, be comfortable with it. Those are the requirements for getting what you are meant to get out of your life. No matter how cringe or ridiculous it sounds. There is so much you can get out of this read if you are not 100% comfortable with yourself or what you present. Which brings us to the next point…
Embrace who you are: The key to being unapologetic and living life on your own terms is understanding who you are. Mixed with an approach on how to do that. Doing so will allow you not to come up as completely weird or an outcast. What do we mean by that? There is a balance between embracing who you are and being someone others can’t stand. This is where social IQ and emotional intelligence come into play. The goal is not to overshare or to embrace yourself to the point where others can’t stand you. Nor do you want to come across as assertive or as someone who doesn't stop talking about anything except what they like to do in their free time. No one likes those kinds of people. Save that for a specific group of friends who share your interests. That is when you can 100% embrace yourself. Once you are comfortable and know with whom you are dealing, and how to perceive them. What you want to find is the balance between being who you are and embracing it. The answer you are looking for comes down to practice. Where to start? When you say something out loud (share information with others), pay attention to how people react.
Reaction? Positive? Negative? This basic approach gives you feedback on whether what you are doing is right or wrong. Better said, are you embracing yourself too much or not enough? We've covered this multiple times in our posts about social skills and life. The key to getting ROI+ out of this phase is to embrace the embarrassment that comes with it. Treat it as part of the process and as something you use to become who you are. The reason this is powerful is that each year, you will reflect and laugh at the things that used to embarrass you. It is one of the healthiest signs that you are progressing and making the right moves. Look for the balance between who you are (testing how others react) and embracing the embarrassment that comes with it. Work on finding the right balance between being confident + embracing who you are + how others perceive you.
You need to love yourself: Without loving yourself, you won’t get far. This applies to all areas of your life. If you don't love who you are and what you stand for, you are doing something wrong. The reason why we are going to extremes now is that when you love yourself (and have zero self-destructing habits or behavior), you will see things for what they are. You will not sell yourself short. You will not play the short-term games. Why? Because you know you can do it better than the rest around you. Loving yourself also plays a big role in external validation. The more you love yourself, the less chances you will follow something stupid or do things that will cause you more harm than good. You get the point. When you dig deeper, you realize that loving yourself is a responsibility everyone reading this should understand.
The importance of loving yourself and understanding why you want it in the first place is usually not clear until you find yourself facing a major life-changing decision. One that involves both emotional and logical components. Example? Moving to a new place. You will have to leave your hometown, but get a better salary in the process. There is a good chance that both your emotional and logical sides will come into play. Why does loving yourself matter in this case? It provides you with a better overview of the situation. People with the wrong outlook and self-love (or they don’t have any of it)… Usually, when it comes to making hard decisions and big life choices, people make terrible decisions because they see things in black and white types of scenarios. Life doesn’t work like that. Long-term game. Putting yourself in a position where you have space to make the right moves and learning to love yourself in the process is what it is all about.
Learning to love yourself 101:
Understand that it is a long process and won't happen overnight.
A big help is finding a specific area of your life that you are proud of. Extra points if you are doing well in it.
Don’t compare yourself to others. Only compare yourself to who you were before.
Own who you are. Short? No one cares. Bold? No one cares. Only you care about it. This applies to everything in your life.
Start to accept what you are naturally good at and what feels effortless
Shadow work. Dig deeper, what are the motives behind why you don’t love yourself? Find your shadow. The reason we are suggesting it is that it is practical, and everyone can start digging deeper in less than 30 minutes.
Selfishness (virtue or vice): When is it a virtue, and when is it a vice? There is no single definition for this. Our definition is that it is a virtue as long as what you do improves your life or helps others. What about the vice aspect? The opposite of that. When you are spending your precious time doing things that lead nowhere or don't bring anything into the reality we all share. Everyone reading this will have their own definition. Nothing wrong with that. What matters is that you understand this concept (or create your own) to become unapologetic. The selfish aspect you won’t be able to avoid. It is natural. When you have to work and focus on your task, while others around you are enjoying themselves and trying to distract you?
That is when you need to say "No" and be selfish. It is natural. It is sort of a virtue of its own. The reason we are mentioning selfishness is that without it, you won’t be able to succeed. It plays a major role in the bigger picture and should be of great importance. In a way that you understand that the things you are doing have to be in alignment with what you want. Give yourself an answer on where you see yourself and what your gut is telling you. Some call it prioritization. Others call it chasing dreams. Or whatever name they are using now to name the mediocre book… The reality is that you have to be selfish to get things done. The day has only 24 hours, and how you choose to prioritize them (selfishness) determines a lot.
Stop being a people pleaser: This point builds on all the previous ones. Once you combine them all and form the big picture around it. It all naturally points to this. The only way to become unapologetic about who you are, what you stand for, and what you are doing after… Comes when you stop pleasing other people around you. How many times have you done something you didn’t want to do in the first place, thinking it was right because it would make someone else happy? Leave those days behind. If you think you are going to lose them because you are not doing what they want, it is not worth having them in your life. Nothing gets accomplished when you are not operating from your own beliefs and doing things on your terms. There is a good chance you have a friend capable of achieving big things, yet he always asks others for validation about what to do.
Confidence? Part of it. Self-belief? Part of it. Validation? Part of it. Having this urge to please others?Absolutely. Remember the part about embracing embarrassment from above? Once you start setting boundaries and letting others know what they can expect from you, it will get uncomfortable. The same way as when you say "No" for the first time, it might make you feel sick to your stomach. If you experience that, it is a good sign you are not doing it enough. Pay attention. Another way to look at it is from a question perspective. Ask yourself: what is the worst that can happen once you start setting these boundaries? Rejection? Conflict? It doesn't matter anyway, because avoiding those emotions isn't how you want to move forward. Don't base your whole personality on doing what others want just because you are afraid of their reaction.
What it takes to stop prioritizing others over yourself:
Ask yourself. Are others around me trying to please me?
Stop validating yourself based on how others treat you.
Forget about guilt and focus on putting yourself in the #1 spot
Communicate clearly what you want.
Remember that they are not paying your bills,
When are YOU happy (Exercise #3): We often write about happiness, and there is a good reason for that. First of all, it is completely subjective. What might bring us happiness doesn't necessarily mean it will bring YOU happiness. The reason we emphasize it so much is that understanding what makes you happy eliminates the urge to please others. It gives you that deep satisfaction of knowing who you are and what you bring to the table. It offers a chance to ignore the herd around you and the temptations that come with it. Results? Knowing who you are and what you want. Again, take 20-30 minutes and think about what makes you happy. Listening to good music? Reading a good book? Going to nature with close friends? Going to the gym? Experiencing the danger from the extreme sports? Working on your projects? KNOW yourself before basing your happiness on others or external factors. This is the phase of expressing ourselves and not being 100% in tune with what makes us happy. How quickly will you realize that this is not what you want? Much faster if you know what makes you happy. Learn to stay true to yourself and focus on what makes you happy.
This is the real secret of life - to be completely engaged with what you are doing in the here and now. And instead of calling it work, realize it is play. -Alan Watts
Becoming The Real YOU - Things To Keep In Mind
Why am I doing what I am doing? Is it because someone told me it was a good thing? Social pressure? Big goals that align with my vision. You need an answer to every question you ask yourself. Not just a one-liner. But if someone asked you that same exact question. You could go on a whole rant about its importance in your life.
Would you do it if no one else could see you? Those who have been reading this website for some time might remember this 1.3 million views Tweet that blew up. Do this mental exercise often.
Embrace embarrassment and the uncomfortable. Without those two… You won't be able to become your true self and move past the phase where your main operating idea is to please other people and not do things for yourself.
Pay attention to your values and reflect on them often. They play an important role in how you see yourself and how others perceive you. Your values define how others see you. Not sure where to start?
Take a pen and paper
Take out 30 minutes
Think about your values
Write them down
Repeat in the 3 - 6 months
You should constantly explore activities and things you find enjoyable. Side quest maxxing. Suppose you are not pushing yourself out there and looking to make the most of the limited time you have. Everyone reading this can agree that you are doing something wrong. The activities you enjoy or are naturally good at help shape you into someone new. Not to mention, one of the worst things you can turn into is someone who is 40 years old, yet still has the same hobbies and perspectives as when he was 20. That is nonsense. This is also where the law of attraction comes into play. You attract things into your life when you live the life you want.
Learn to say no. It is the most powerful word in your vocabulary and one that has a massive impact on your quality of life. Don’t want to do something? Don't see how you would enjoy it? Don’t see why you should do it in the first place? Say no. There is no reason to feel guilty or angry about it. This directly relates to your inner alignment. It is also probably the most underrated part of becoming unapologetically yourself.
Your time is limited. Remind yourself that you should spend it on things that make you who you are, not to please those around you.
Put maximum effort into finding the things you are good at. You need to find your talents and things that feel effortless, even if you spend hours on them. Doing these things gives you a sense of purpose and puts you on the right path. Once you find something you are good at (and love). There are zero chances you will feel miserable. We would go so far as to say that if you have found your true calling. You will never again feel miserable. Lost or however you want to call it. Quite the opposite. You will not be able to sleep. That is how excited you will be to work on your craft. What else does this give you? An opportunity to start your own business and change your life. This is something we briefly touched on in the 2 Skills (1 Year) posts we did last year.
Get out of the black and white type of thinking. We wrote about it multiple times. But there is a good chance that if you are a young person you need to be reminded. Life is rarely about extremes; it is more about the gray areas. Combine the logic. Combine the emotion. Play the long game and suddenly… Things will start working out in your favor. The same applies to your life and being yourself.
Start viewing your situation from a "game" perspective. Everything you are doing. From writing in your journal and posting tweets to the corporate work you are doing. It can be looked through the game lens. What do we mean by that? That no matter what you do, you can get better at it. Level up. The reason it is powerful is that it is arguably one of the healthiest ways to approach your work. It accepts who you are. It embraces the fact that you might not be good at it yet, and it makes you happy because you are doing things with the right mindset. There is power in knowing that no matter what area of life you choose, you can get better at it, and the result of that will have a direct impact on who you are as a person.
Stop comparing yourself to others around you. It will only make you miserable. You are playing a game you can’t win. There is always someone out there with a bigger house, better looks, and a 10/10 model by their side. If you have to compare yourself and can’t help yourself… Only compare yourself now to the previous year (or two, five…). This way, you are ensuring only a legit comparison that won't make you miserable. It is also a great way to see how far you have come and how things have improved for you. This is by far the only comparison worth making.
Don’t be afraid to fail. No one cares. Neither should you.
Realize that money will not make you happy or make you become someone else overnight. Neither should you tie your identity to it. Nothing magical will happen once it appears in your bank account. Neither will it help you become more of who you are. It is a cope. Our advice is to stop putting it over everything you are doing in life. Much less so if the #1 goal of why you want to make the money is not freedom.
You are worth it. Another one you should remind yourself of daily.
Stop asking for permission. You already have everything you need to become who you want to become. Sounds cringe. Until you realize it is an absolute truth.
You have been warned: None of this will matter if you are in a bad life situation or struggling with yourself. The only way you will start peeling back the layers and becoming the real YOU is by living a life full of joy and purpose. Meaning? You have to set up all other areas of your life before you start paying massive attention to this part. If you are struggling to put food on the table, but are worried about how to be more of yourself. You have the wrong priorities.
TLDR - What It Takes
Complete the three exercises from above to see where you stand (can’t skip that)
Ask yourself often:
Why am I doing what I am doing?
I want to do ____ or is it because others told me I should?
Learn to separate things into internal influences (beliefs, values, goals) and external (family, peers, social media)
Both factors shape you
80:20 (internal heavy) - avoid.
60:40 (balanced) - enough of internal factors, but still able to pick up the new knowledge and implement it.
40:60 (external heavy) - avoid.
External validation = your worth based on other opinions → you are outsourcing your identity to others for approval. Nonsense.
What it takes to become unapologetic you:
Get comfortable with yourself and what you want out of life.
Embrace who you are (be yourself, but find balance).
Love yourself (only compare to your past self).
Learn to be selfish (learn to say NO without feeling guilty).
Never do things to please others set boundaries, and learn to handle the discomfort that comes with it.
Reflecting often (20 - 30 minute session) on what you are doing, where you are going, and why you are doing what you are doing has a massive impact on your quality of life.
None of this matters if your basic needs (food, bills, or anything else outside of survival mode) are not met.
Stop asking for permissions. You already know what you want to do and what you want out of your life. Good luck, you got this.
Recommended Resources
No More Mr. Nice Guy - remember old PUA forums? Yes, that one.
Codependent No More - great for those struggling with negative patterns - bit on the normie side, but some solid points inside
Disclaimer: None of this is to be legal or financial advice of any kind.
this inspired me to reflect this evening.
thank you for sharing this advice. some great game
Sometimes I forget the fundamentals are what really matters